Today, I’m going to give you man bears some advice on how to create your own survival kit for dealing with a woman going through the throes of the red sea experience called “The period”. You know that time once a month that’s a huge inconvenience to all males out there. That time where they suffer from PMS.
As it stands, most men have the emotional quota of a guava and lack the empathy to care for their female counterparts while they suffer the wrath and turmoil of their uterus recycling itself in an effort to prepare for the next act of conception. These brave woman take one for the team so that the human race can continue to meet its quota and survive extinction. Honestly, I don’t think men could carry the burden of going through that once a month for a full weeks cycle.
And that’s precisely why we really don’t appreciate the significance of the sacrifice and pain these ladies endure. Now guys, I know what you are thinking but we need to be honest here. Most of us, except for Chuck Norris or John Rambo, curl up in to little balls and call for our mommies when we get the common cold. How the hell do you think you are going to survive being stabbed by invisible knives for 7 days a month?
Henceforth, I bring you the survival kit for men:
- Chocolate: I couldn’t emphasize this any more than making it the first point of the kit. You are a total douche bag if you don’t know about this one. It’s liquid gold to the she-wolf and it’s the one time you will have true power over your woman
- Warm Beanie Bags: For those aching tummy times that the woman suffers at their peak. Be a hero and heat it up in the microwave. Then be considerate and give your woman the space she needs. Take the bean bag to the room, use it on your feet and go to sleep
- Ice Cream: I’ve done some research over the years and I’ve found that the most universally accepted flavor request is Tin Roof. Apparently it’s got magical healing powers and is able to soothe the savage beast. Surprise her by taking it out in the morning so that she can find it 8 hours later after work. You know she is sensitive during her period and you don’t want the cold to hurt her gums. Warm melted ice cream is always a winner
- Chore schedule: Make sure to try your best to do your man chores but always unintentionally forget to take out the bin. Your woman’s sense of smell is heightened during this time. What better way to show her you care than exposing her to the smell of rotting garbage
- Chloroform: For those times when things escalate to the point of a nuclear melt down and you need her to calm down. I’ve tried horse tranquilizers but it’s far too unpredictable
- Massage oils: For those days when your woman just doesn’t let up. Ask her to massage your toes. It feels great and relieves a lot of the tension you built up during the week tip toeing around her
- Compliments: Get a list of them ready for each day of the week. Placate the foul black magic words of hate, for anything of a male origin, that comes out of her mouth by being subtle and smart. Say things like “Are you going to cook supper again for the third night in a row? Because you always make the nicest things” or “Why don’t you go shopping to make yourself feel better?…Because we need milk and bread.” Remember timing is everything
And there you have it. We finally have a survival kit for men. Although, I’m very certain that it’ may require a few tweaks and I’m sure we will not able to achieve half of these things at any given time in our lives because multitasking for males is a bitch. But that doesn’t mean the man bears of the world shouldn’t at least try to make a concerted effort. For now it’s a work in progress. Mainly because we want to retain our manhood and stay alive. That being said, I do believe this is a step in the right direction and there is plenty of value to be found in the information above.
Man bears, please note, in all seriousness, that these pointers are half truths and are meant to be funny. I know some of you understand but I fear that I may have to elaborate for those few special individuals who take things to heart a little bit too literally. You can use these ideas but make sure they turn out in favor of your woman, not yourselves. NB…I will not be held liable for any of your #fails.