The Truth About Cats & Dogs

These are my findings, based on experience and research over the past 16 years…

Cats: The Good

  • They are independent, know what they want in life and give you just enough attention to want more
  • They are lovable, playful and friendly when it suites them
  • They maintain a good BMI and remain agile
  • They are clean and look after themselves
  • They have split personalities. One minute you are the best thing that happened to them in this world, the next minute they hate your guts

Cats: The Bad

  • Cat meows are like a sirens call. You just can’t resist it. If you agree with this, then you are too far gone. Stop reading…
  • Staring contests usually end up with the human male bleeding out from the eyes. Cats never back down #fact
  • Cat scratches can be fatal, yes you can die from loss of blood or infection. Those bastards are dirty where it counts #true story
  • They can muffle you in your sleep. Have you ever had a cat sleep on your face?…Never trust a pissed off pussy
  • Cats are like ninja assassins. They use whatever means to achieve victory…including cutting Achilles tendons while hiding around corners

Have you caught on?

Now as some of you have realized, this post has a double meaning. I’m talking about the woman in your life. The “other half”, the person that inspires you to be great and gives you a reason to keep on living in order to be productive in society.  The primary goal, being to not end up like a couch potato that has no other purpose in life, other than breathing and criticizing reality TV shows or the accuracy of the history channel for that matter. Yes men, this person I refer to is the woman who you love. Without them, most of us would just be slobbering, unkempt and unruly dogs blundering about in existence.

Now to be fair, it’s not all doom and gloom for us men. We have managed to operate and survive independently, to some degree, by eating beans on toast and most males in this position continue to justify the diet because it’s cowboy food and that’s manly. It’s 2014 guys, we are not 11 years old, do not live in the wild west and it must not be used as an excuse to fart inappropriately due to poor dietary habits. Sigh…Who am I kidding. I’m a perfectly normal male with the ability to devolve in to the mentality of a teenager and have bouts of mad laughter 79% of the time that I hear a fart. FYI…this type of behavior becomes contagious in packs of male friends and is encouraged. If you are a guy and you disagree with this then you must be a woman. If you are indeed a male, then you have failed as a stereotype.

That being said, after all is said and done. It’s better bite the bullet and share your beans on toast with the “other half”. There are undeniable benefits to the arrangement of male and female relationships:

  • A woman’s intuition. You will never lose another item again. It’s uncanny how these beautiful creatures have an innate ability to find lost items…be it keys, socks or jocks. I swear it’s like there are GPS coordinates tagged to every object in the home which female counterparts track via satellite
  • The ability to know when you need love. You could literally have the most horrible day on earth and come home to a woman who just happened to cook your favorite meal even though it was your turn to cook. After a great meal and hopefully some bedroom gymnastics, they tell you they went shopping with your credit card. It doesn’t matter…
  • They keep you fit to some degree, by indirectly informing you about their celeb crushes. The sad reality is that you look like a troll compared to Brad Pitt and you know it
  • After watching 300 chick flicks, you start to develop emotions and water that runs out of your eyes when you get upset. This does work in your favor if you use it strategically against any female #mentalnote

Let’s face it. You can’t live with them and you cannot live without them. With every YIN, there is a YANG that brings balance. Woman are sirens but they are extremely resourceful, caring and loyal if you treat them with respect and love. Go team!


5 thoughts on “The Truth About Cats & Dogs

  1. Yep, I’m male, I’m also a dog (my cat allows me to be one)

    Oh and for every Yin, there’s a Yan unless your spellcheck misses g’s

    Love your work bud

  2. Oh just ignore my previous comment about Yin/Ying/Yan/Yang {reminds self to do a google search before commenting/criticising ANYTHING}

    Sorry Yoda, as you were


      1. Shaun {rasping breath} I am you father {rasping breath} wise you are not to ridicule me {rasping breath}

        and your response WILL be…

        My future inheritence I value. Hmmmmmm.

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