(Disclaimer) Please note that this blog post is for men. If you are a woman, immediately refrain from reading this any further. Because it is indeed about you!
Guys, this is a wake up call. The days of man are at an end. Soon the world will perfect genetic cloning, decode the entire human genome and simulate conception with synthetic sperm and so men will become obsolete. It’s now more imperative than ever before that we discover the secrets about what woman really want so that we can try to stop ourselves being deleted from history. For now, I’ll just be a man and make assumptions about my counterpart as nature intended, although I fear that may not be enough. Bearing in mind that not even the combined contribution of male intelligence of all the gentlemen in this world has managed to find its way through the complicated labyrinth that is the female mind.
Here are my assumptions:
- Woman love it when men listen. You don’t have to pay attention although that may bite you in the ass sometimes if she catches on. Just look in her direction and nod or say yes. Use Google to investigate cues associated with these actions
- Woman love it when we nurture their maternal instinct by turning in to babies when we are sick. It makes them feel wanted, useful and it’s part of their DNA to care. Be a man and indulge it
- Woman love to be independent. Send her out to search the house when you hear a strange sound at night. Empower your woman and show her you respect her as an individual. Promise her you will be right behind her and then go back to sleep. You want to enforce your respect for her
- Woman love honesty. Be truthful about her ass looking big in those jeans. Tell her it’s all in her imagination. The jeans are actually getting loose and ask if she is eating enough? Show concern
- Woman love a man with emotions. But don’t cry for everything, you may look weak and the woman might end up leaving you as a result, which is counter intuitive. Use it tactically to play on her emotions when you need something. It’s a win-win
- Woman love a man who can provide. Learn to make toast, tea and coffee for her. Stretch your limits and try to make an egg. They appreciate getting a piece of dry toast and tea occasionally for the next 10 years even if it does happen once every year. It’s the thought that counts
- Woman love flowers. Make sure you use this as a “get out of jail card” and don’t make it a common thing because it can depreciate in value quickly. Also make sure you check for bees. You will struggle to placate a woman who gets stung when she is already pissed off. That’s a big no-no
- Woman love a man who gets on well with her friends. If you get in there then you are golden. Just don’t become too friendly because your woman will start feeling jealous. You shouldn’t be confused, they don’t like sharing unless it’s house work
- Woman love a man who trusts her to take responsibility for the collective cleanliness and look of the home. That is her domain, respect it. leave your washing everywhere, but not where it’s supposed to be. Leave it on the floor or even on top of the washing basket, just not in it. Show your woman you care
- Woman love chocolate. Make sure you stock up on it, feed it to her in bouts and eat all the remaining chocolate the day before her period starts. Wait until she is mid cycle and starts asking for chocolate with deranged eyes. Hold out for as long as possible before pretending to be the best man ever and retrieve slab from the cupboard that you had since day 1. Try to share a few pieces with everyone else including your cats before you offer her some. Making her wait means she appreciates it more
- Woman don’t want Mel Gibson, that’s just a movie so don’t wear stockings, try to be awkward and attempt to relate. That’s just plain weird
I could go on but I fear the assumptions may give away too much about how the male brain works which will expedite the female’s plan of male eradication. We cannot risk woman finding out what we already know. Be rational though guys. At the end of the day we are inevitably part of this cycle and it’s not going to be as easy as woman think. Freedom comes at a price and I think losing us is going to cost too much. Remember we as men have a purpose beyond being baby makers. We offer comfort, farts, loud boisterous evenings with the mates and we give woman a reason to be woman, just to spite us. Let’s be really honest here, this world would really suck and be extremely awkward with only guys living in it and surely they feel the same way about it being just woman.
@ women…Don’t say I didn’t warn you, because I did, but thank you for being predictable!