I’ve had this on my mind for quite some time now and I’ve been carefully considering how I could convey this message about change. You see, everyone fears change to a degree which is perfectly natural. But change definitely affects me on a much more personal level than I’m comfortable with, due to my persona. Because I’m a realist and a methodical planner. Maybe it’s an unfortunate trait and maybe it’s not but I do know I suffer from a double-edged perspective of the world. Which sometimes becomes more of a hindrance than it’s worth. My problem is that I struggle tremendously with the meticulous details. More so than I should and I end up trying to plan for every potential problem that may come up. Yes, with age I’ve developed more patience, I’m generally more relaxed and I believe with enough time, that everything finds balance. Day in and day out, I try very had to convince myself of this belief. Finding solace in the fact that the voice in my head continues to reassure me, that it’s impossible to account for everything. Life is what it is. It’s unpredictable.
Yet with all this wisdom, my mind continues to wander about the possibilities of failure and I feebly attempt to plan for the unknown.”What is the optimal way to execute the objective?”. “What’s the worst case scenario?”. “What are my contingencies and extraction plans?”. How…why…what if…and so it goes on. My mind struggles to contemplate the vast and unknown black abyss of unanswered questions that slowly etch away at wall of will I’ve built over my doubt. Why you ask? Because its human nature. It’s an instinctual survival mechanism that kicks in when something is about to happen outside of my comfort zone. My mind foresees the risk and tries to protect the world I’ve become accustomed to. It over analyzes the situation in an effort to minimize the impact the change could have on my life and causes me to retract rather than react. I begin to falter as I subconsciously fear the lack of security I’ll have when the times comes. My lizard brain tries to force acknowledgement of the repetitive behavior I’ve been accustomed to since the day I started my life outside of my parents home. Because it’s what I know and it’s safe.
And so, my mind races. How do I cope? How do I change the mentality that’s been ingrained in to me and how do I face these fears. I argue and struggle internally with myself because I can’t back down. I’m not a quitter and I’m already half way out the door. I’ve invested far too much time trying to accommodate this new opportunity and giving up now would mean I’ve sacrificed everything for nothing. Giving up means I’ll revert to the same repetitive state of limbo I’ve been in for the past 14 years.
You know what. Screw that! I’m going balls to the wall to bring about something that could potentially change my life for the better. I’ll push through and persevere as I have always done because I’m a survivor and I will not fail myself or the ones I love. I just have to let go of the reins for a little while, ease off the brakes and see where life takes me. That’s all I need to do…Go with the flow.
Now, I’m not saying I’m just going wing it. What’ I’m trying to convey here is that I need to relax, take some risks for once in my life and live without the fear of failure. There will always be some degree of planning involved but I need stop worrying about the inevitable. Being a control freak is unhealthy and as I’ve said before, it’s not something I should be focusing my attention on. Sure, shit will happen as it always does and I’ll cross that bridge with a shovel in my hand when the time comes.
Change is good and it’s time for a new me. HOAH!